On my journey through self-care, I have learned a big piece of the puzzle is having a strong support network. What does that have to do with self-care and well-being? If you have ever been through a difficult time and tried to do it alone, or had to do it alone – you know. Your ‘self’ loses when you go it alone. Good self-care means having a tribe of people that will be there with you during the tough times and the brightest of times. It can be a challenge to know who those people are, until you are there – in that dark place. Being there is not easy and many of us are not good at it. We simply don’t know what to say or do to ‘make it better’. That’s the thing, like you see in Brené Brown’s video above – we don’t need to make it better. No one can make it better. Your being there is what will set them on the path to healing.
We have all had that friend or family member that just went through a tragic loss like a miscarriage, or the death of their father, mother, sibling, child, newborn. We have known those that have just received a fatal diagnosis, or someone close to them that did. We have been near people struggling with the unfathomable depths of depression or grappling with addiction, or both. Yet as these tragic things begin to unfold, we create more distance. Rather than come closer, we stay away.
It’s difficult. It can feel really uncomfortable to be there and to watch someone go through deep, dark things. We don’t know what to say and we mean well, so we say things to try to ease the pain. It is so hard to get down in the ‘muck and mire’ and just be there with them. But we have to. We must.
I have been on both sides of this, and I am guessing many have as well. I have gone through two miscarriages and struggled with postpartum depression after my second son, but we made it. After my first miscarriage, people would say things like you saw in the video by Brené Brown above, ‘At least you know you can get pregnant.’ Whew, yeah – that felt good. But truly, people meant me no harm. They were just trying to ease the pain. To make it a little brighter of a topic.
We just don’t do vulnerability well. And it sucks.
Through both miscarriages I felt very alone. It seemed very few understood and when I would try to talk about the looming, dark topic, it would be averted in any way possible. Many of my friends and family just hadn’t been in that dark, sad place. They didn’t know what to say. So they didn’t say anything, or chose something to ‘ease’ the pain or changed the topic all together.
During my postpartum depression, it was even more unbearable. During that time, I felt more isolated than at any other time in my life. At a time when I needed to be surrounded the most, many left my side. Those that remained became my rock. I am forever grateful for their love and connection during that time.
I really get it, though. I have been there having that vulnerable talk with a family member or close friend about a tragedy they are going through. What do I say? What do I do? I didn’t always know, and I am no where near perfect. I call on my past experience, though. And I know they need to be heard. They need me to be there. And no matter how uncomfortable that vulnerable place is – how dare I or anyone try to wiggle out of it when they can’t escape it for even a breath. Be there. Just be there.
Sit and cry. Listen and hug. I often feel that nudge like I want to do more. My ‘fix it’ mentality can show up with ideas of ways I could ease their pain. Maybe I could bring them dinner or help out at their home. What could I do that they need? Then I stop. I recall what I needed. I needed closeness, connection, love, support, and understanding. I needed for those that cared for me to be there. That was all.
Brené Brown is an amazing author, speaker, researcher, and professor on the topics of vulnerability, courage, worthiness, and shame. In my favorites section, I will be including her books as they are so relevant and effective. One of my favorite quotes by her is this:
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”– Brené Brown
So next time you are with someone and they share something that is really heart-wrenching, will you sit with them and really listen? Will you be there as they move through their emotions, no matter how uncomfortable it is for you? They don’t need anything more. Please be there.
Photo credit – lee Scott
As always, will you share your experiences or thoughts in the comments below?
Lots of love ~
Sarah
