A Shift in Perspective

The last few days have rattled me to my core, creating a shift in perspective.

My 4 year old is reacting to something, and we have no idea what it is. When the allergic reaction comes on, I feel lost. My brain stops functioning. My heart is racing. My fears overcome me. What if I mess up? I feel immense panic and helplessness.

That feeling, as if there is nothing I can do to fix the problem, consumes me. It feels awful.

All I have been doing is racking my brain going over and over the foods he has eaten, looking for any consistencies. I have lost sleep. I have been in a low mood and so worried. My fears have taken over.

I called the allergy clinic frantically trying to get him in to be seen so we can begin to seek answers. It is going to take longer to be seen than we expected. I feel like I am scrambling to pull the pieces together to feel like I have some control.

This sucks.

And, you know what? I am only making it worse.

Yes, of course you I am worried sick about my son, his health and well-being. But then it hits me. Sarah, he is going to be okay. You are going to be okay. You can’t be in control of everything. You can’t fix or control this. All your stress, worry and anxiety isn’t fixing anything. It’s making it worse.

You have to let go and trust.

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Trust. Trust that the teachers at school, the clinicians at the allergy clinic and at the Children’s Hospital care about him and will watch over him. Trust that you will be given all the information you need, as you need it. Trust that there is something bigger than me handling this. Trust that he is in God’s hands.

Let go… 

I struggle here. I want to trust. I want to let go. But this is my baby. I can easily let my stuff go, but not him, not either of my boys.

Where is the balance? Is there balance?

I don’t know. I don’t know.

I know he needs me. I know he needs me to be strong. I know he needs me to show him love. I know he needs me to smile because it reassures him and provides him comfort.

If I can’t let go enough to breathe a little, to trust a little… then how will I show him courage, faith and strength? How, if I am barely breathing, will I have anything left to give?

So tonight and throughout the next few weeks, I am going to learn to trust and let go a little, for him. Through learning to trust and let go, I pray there is just enough left to renew my strength in order to give him all the love, reassurance, and comfort he needs at this time.

“Be silent, only the hand of God can remove the burdens of your heart.” – Rumi

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(((HUGS))) to you and yours ~ Sarah

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